Single-Parents.net

LITTLE TANTRUMS

• These only last a short time and the child's feelings are not totally out of control.
• Young children do not always have the words to say what they need. Their world is full of bigger people telling them what to do and what not to do! Young children do not have many inner strengths to cope with stress and frustration.
• Sometimes children learn that busy parents are likely to give in to what they want if they "carry on" long enough. This may mean persistent asking, "whining" or having little tantrums. The child is not out of control at this stage, but sometimes little tantrums can grow into big "boil over" tantrums.

What Parents can do
If little tantrums happen often, think about what is happening in your child's life. Often it seems as if the tantrum comes from something very small. However usually the "something small" has come on top of a lot of other stresses or frustration in the child's life, so it becomes the thing that tips him over into a tantrum.

• Spend regular relaxed time with your child.
• Give him plenty of room to move and explore.
• Are there too many "no's" in your child's life?
• Notice all the good things about him and let him know that you do.
• Is your life so hectic that it is easier to give in to everything?
• Are there any other stresses that could be affecting your child - starting childcare, new baby, parents quarrelling etc.?

Mean what you say

• Don't give in to the child who has a tantrum because he wants something. If the tantrum is small you might try saying "no" and giving a reason once. For example "No, you can't have a biscuit because it is almost tea time".
• Try to distract the child by giving him something else to do. Let him help you cook the tea or let him choose a snack that you approve of. This may avoid the tantrum.
• Sometimes you can just ignore little tantrums. Be busy doing something and they will blow over.

Sometimes the child's feelings get more and more out of control until he gets into a proper "boil over" tantrum. If you recognise the signs, step in first with whatever you know helps your child.

It is never helpful to punish a child to try to stop a tantrum.

PLAN

The best thing you can do about tantrums is to try to plan so they don't happen very often.

• Think about what is happening in the child's life that is stressful and see if there is anything you can do about it.
• Make sure there are lots of positive, happy times in your child's day.
• Keep a diary for a few days - when the tantrums happen, what time of day, what you are doing when it happens, what the child is doing. If it always happens around tea time try letting the child have his tea earlier, giving him a bath before tea, letting him help you prepare the meal, or having some special time with him at this time of day.
• This way you may be able to get in first and prevent the tantrum which is much better than dealing with it when it happens.

Planning will only work if you take into account the child's needs as well as your own. The child's need may be attention, or tiredness, or less pressure or hunger. What he wants might be a biscuit. Be firm about not giving the biscuit but try to be sure that his real needs are met.

SHOPPING CENTRE TANTRUMS

Tantrums in public are hard to cope with. If they happen often, try to plan (as above). If possible leave the children with someone else if it is a long shopping trip. If you take them make sure they are not tired when you go. Take a snack for them to eat, make sure they have been to the toilet and try not to be too long. Let them help by getting things off the supermarket shelf for you. Make the shopping trip a treat for everyone by having a milkshake or a little time in the park at the end of it.

If a tantrum does happen you need to be strong to be able to leave the shopping where it is and take the child out to the car or wherever it is quiet until the tantrum is over.

When your child copes well tell her you are pleased that she managed so well.

BIG TANTRUMS

Proper tantrums are the "boil over" kind where the children can no longer control their feelings. This kind of tantrum is very frightening for children.

When your child has this kind of tantrum she can't listen to reason. Punishments such as consequences or time-out don't work. Ignoring this kind of tantrum can be frightening for the child, because when she is out of control she needs to learn that feelings can be controlled. She needs to know that you are in control.

What Parents can do
No matter how much planning you do some tantrums will happen, especially with children who are very sensitive.

• Let your child know that you are in control, that you can keep her safe and you will not punish or leave her. This is really important learning that she needs to have in order to learn to manage her feelings.
• Stay with your child during the tantrum. Hold her if you can. If not, stay nearby where you can touch her and where she can come to you when the worst of the storm is over. (If you are unable to stay near because your own feelings are in danger of getting out of control and it is unsafe, tell the child that you will be leaving for a short time but will be back soon to look after her - get someone else to stay with her if you can).
• Talk to the child gently but firmly, about how she feels and what is happening to her. You could say "You are feeling really upset and I will stay with you until you feel better. It's alright to cry when you feel upset, but I won't let you hit/kick/or whatever." You might have to hold the child to prevent this.
• It is important not to give in to whatever the child was wanting which started the tantrum.
• If the child is older and you can see her feelings getting out of control you might want to talk to her about going somewhere quiet until she can manage her feelings, then come and talk about it. You could go with her or not, whichever is most helpful.

You teach your child when you manage the tantrum that angry feelings don't have to take over, they can be managed and expressed in helpful ways. You are also teaching that however bad things are, you will not let her down.

AT THE START AND THE END OF THE DAY

Some days are worse than others. If you can see at the beginning of the day that it is going to be "one of those days" take some time out right at the start, to do something relaxing with your child. Leave whatever you thought you had to do and see if you can turn the day around. A small amount of time at the start of the day is sometimes worth a lot of time at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, if it has been a bad day, make some time for relaxing, settling down and rebuilding your relationship. Some relaxing activities include:

• a walk in the park, or around the block
• sitting with the child to watch a video
• stories
• a bath
• massage and meditation (there are very good books for children's meditation).

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

After your child has settled into bed, remember to take care of your own needs. Taking care of a child who is having tantrums puts a great deal of stress on the carer. You need to look after yourself in order to be able to do this. If you can, get someone else to take care of your child for a while during the day so you can take some time out for yourself.

REMINDERS

• Tantrums happen when children's feelings get out of control.
• Children need to know that their parent(s) can help them to manage when their feelings are out of control.
• Try to work out what are the major stresses in your child's life and do something about them.
• Watch for triggers and try to get in first to prevent the tantrum from starting.
• Use relaxing activities to help your child calm down.
• If in spite of all this, tantrums continue very frequently, talk it over with a child health professional.
• "Raising your spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is worth reading.