Single-Parents.net

• those who choose it from the outset
• those who choose to take it on by leaving a two person relationship
• those who are left behind with the children.

Each path is different and brings with it different things to deal with.

HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?

• Single parents are more likely to involve their children in the day to day running of the family. Children may have more chores and more responsibility for caring for themselves.
• Single parents often discuss things with their children that adults in a two parent household share together. For example, talking over what to buy, where to go for holidays.
• Children often take on chores such as cooking and cleaning because there is no other adult to pick up the job.
• Many parents and children have to get used to children going to and fro between homes.
• Children from single parent households who have been given a lot of say at home sometimes have difficulties at school because they expect to be treated in the same way by teachers.

WHAT CHILDREN NEED

• Children need to be "children" and sharing the load shouldn't take over. They need time to do the things that are usual in a child's world, such as, being with friends, playing sport, doing homework or just dreaming.
• Children need to know that the parent is the grown up and has the responsibility to look after them.
• Children need to know that you need to have adult company too. It is not a good idea to rely on your children all the time for companionship.
• For parents who have just separated, feelings can be very strong. It is also an extremely difficult time for children. Seek support from other family members and friends rather than talking about what is worrying you with your children.
• Children are often torn between loving both parents who live apart. They can feel disloyal and confused when they love a parent strongly and have to listen to "put downs". They often want to defend the other parent but are afraid of getting into trouble.
• Some children are more likely to misbehave for the parent who has them most of the time and does most of the disciplining and routine day to day things. It is often easier for children to behave better when spending a short time with a parent doing lots of fun things. But underneath they know that you are there for them all the time.
• Give thought and make arrangements for your children's future in case anything should happen to you.

DISCIPLINE

• Discipline in a single parent household has both pros and cons. It is often easier for one person to make the rules and carry them out. On the other hand, carrying out all the discipline can be demanding and having the support of another adult can make it easier.
• Check with other parents if you are unsure about what limits are reasonable. Make rules and make it clear what will happen when rules are broken.
• Carry out with action what you said would happen.

VISITING THE OTHER PARENT

• Let your child plan and enjoy time with the other parent if you can. It will make a difference for your child to see that you are pleased about this contact. Children want to be able to love each parent without feeling guilty.
• Children who have no contact with the other parent need to have some understanding of where that person fits into their life.
• Sort out your issues with the other parent in private.
• Make change overs as natural and friendly as possible. If you are unable to do this, try to avoid contact with the other parent e.g. pick-up at a neutral place or with a friend present.
• Allow time for your children to "fit back into home" when they return. Some children take a few minutes, others hours, and some take days. Some act out, some become quiet and sad. Some need time to get used to the "swapping". They may feel sad about leaving the other parent and guilty about feeling this way. They may feel disloyal to you. They might be upset if they have not had an enjoyable visit.
• Talk happily about what has been happening at home while they have been away. Allow them to talk about what they have been doing. Don't pressure with questions, as this may make them close up to protect the other parent.

  If your child takes days to settle and it doesn't seem to be improving over time, you may need to get professional help.

GROWING UP

Growing up in a single parent home can be a very positive experience for children, who often have a close and special relationship with the parent. Sometimes children envy their friends in two parent households. It may help them to know that all families have their ups and downs.

• Children in single parent households are often very mature because of the extra responsibilities they have. Let them know you feel proud of their achievements.
• Make sure they have lots of time to spend with their friends.
• If you are very close to your children, it might be hard for them to leave home when they are ready. Let them know that you have your own life to live and that you will be proud, not sorry, when they grow up and make their own choices.
• Take new relationships slowly. This may mean some sacrifices on your part. If you decide to marry or re-marry or take a partner for yourself, it can sometimes create problems for your children. They may show this with behaviour and feelings, no matter how old they are. Talk things through with them, listen to how they feel and let them know that they are still just as important to you.

REMINDERS

• Being in a single parent home can be a very positive experience for children.
• Help your children feel proud of their lifestyle so that they will not regard it as being second to a two parent household.
• Children need to know where they come from and who their parents are.
• Children need to be able to love both parents without feeling guilty.
• Let your children know you are pleased they can spend time with the other parent (providing you are not worried about their safety).
• When the time is right for them, give them your blessing to move out...don't hang on to them for company.