When children don't tell the truth it can be very
worrying for parents. It is easy to become upset about the lie
and to overlook what it means to the child. There are many
reasons why children may not tell the truth. Almost everyone
tells lies from time to time for a variety of reasons, from
avoiding hurting someone else's feelings to getting out of an
awkward situation. It is important to understand the reasons why
a child might lie before you react.
ALERT!
If children are continually lying for any reason or if they are unable to
accept the truth when it is presented in a caring way, it would be wise to seek some
counselling.
WHY CHILDREN LIE
Learning about the truth
These ages are only guides - it depends on the child's
individual rate of development.
- Children under three years or so do not understand that
thinking is private. They believe that their parents can
read their minds. A two year old in a shop may say
"Why did you lose me, Mummy?" because he thinks
that his mother knows where he is even when she is out of
sight. Telling lies has no meaning for under threes.
- Three to four year olds are learning that other people
don't know what they are thinking. Children of this age
enjoy practising their new knowledge and skills so they
test it out by telling "stories" eg "The
big bad wolf did it". It is normal for young
children to lie, blame someone else or make up a story.
- Children in the early years of school usually want to
please their parents more than they want to do the
"right thing". Children of this age are not
likely to tell the truth if they think it will make their
parents cross. It is better not to ask them whether they
did something than risk them lying. For example rather
than saying "Did you spill the milk?" You could
say "I see there has been an accident with the milk,
let's get a cloth and I'll help you clean it up".
- By eight or nine (when they understand about Father
Christmas not being real) children also have some
understanding of the difference between the truth and
fantasy. The child's sense of right and wrong usually
develops by about 9 or 10 years of age.
- Older children and especially adolescents have a need to
keep some parts of their lives private and not share them
with parents. If parents ask too many questions the older
child or adolescent may lie to protect this privacy.
IMAGINARY FRIENDS
Some children at about three or four have an imaginary friend.
They talk to and play with this friend when they are upset and
sometimes blame the friend when they do something wrong. This is
part of normal growing up and usually gradually disappears as the
child grows older. There is no need for concern unless the child
seems really withdrawn and unable to get on with other children
and adults. You can help by seeing that your child has lots of
opportunities for fun and enjoyment.
Other reasons why children lie
- Fear of punishment or fear of losing their parents'
affection.
- Having low self-esteem and wanting to make themselves
sound better.
- They are young for their age and have not yet understood
the difference between truth and untruth.
- To impress their friends and be accepted in the group.
- Sometimes that is how it really seems - they believe that
what they are saying is true.
- Copying other people in the family who tell lies. Parents
might say that lying is wrong but not always tell the
truth themselves. For example when someone is at the door
and a parent says to the child: "Tell them I am not
at home".
- Adolescents may tell lies because of their strong need
for independence. They may be afraid that if they tell
the truth they will not be allowed to do something they
really want to do.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
- If you think your child is afraid of punishment talk with
him about other ways that you will deal with mistakes so
that he knows he need not be afraid to be honest.
- For younger children, teach the difference between truth
and fantasy eg "That was a good story" or
"I can see you make up lovely stories, perhaps we
can write them down to keep".
- Show your child that you understand that some lies are
wishes. For example, if a child says that his dad is
ringing him up all the time and you know this is not so,
you could say "It sounds like you wish Daddy could
be here all the time".
- Try not to get into a battle about telling the truth.
- Teach children why it is important to tell the truth eg
"When people tell us the truth it helps us to trust
them".
- Don't label the child "a liar" because labels
tend to encourage the kind of behaviour that you don't
want.
- Notice when children tell the truth and let them know
that you are pleased.
- Give adolescents and older children some personal
privacy. Ask what you need to know about to protect them,
but don't pry too much. Often your teenagers will talk to
you when the time is right and they feel you will listen
without judging.
REMINDERS
- Telling the truth is something that children learn over
years, not something they know how to do from birth.
- Young children want to please parents more than anything
else. They won't tell the truth if they think it will
make parents cross.
- Teach children the difference between truth and untruth.
- Explain why telling the truth is important to you.
- Set a good example.
