Single-Parents.net

Coping Skills

Over the years many researchers have looked at what helps some people to manage difficult times while others dont cope so well. They have looked at some of the things that cause stress to children. They have also looked at the things that parents can do to help children build the strength to cope with stress. Often we cannot prevent things going wrong for children but we can try to help children build the strengths that will help them cope.

SOME THINGS THAT ARE STRESSFUL FOR CHILDREN

Here are examples of some of the things that can be very stressful. There are others, of course, and you will know the things that affect your own children.

• Birth injury or being very small at birth.
• If parents are ill.
• Disability - be it their own, another child or a parent.
• Parents' separation or divorce.
• A new baby being born when the child is very young (under two).
• If parents see a child as "difficult".
• Too many changes in a child's life eg schools, teachers, where they live and who cares for them.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Belonging - one of the most important things that children need is a sense of belonging in the first year of life (and from then on). The first year is very important. Babies need to know that someone or some people really care and will always be there for them. These people can be mother and/or father, a grandparent or another reliable person who cares for them a lot. Becoming attached to another person besides the parent does not mean that children will be less attached to their parents. In fact it is the opposite. When children learn to belong in this way it gives them the ability to make attachments to other important people in their life. If parents are sick or not there for some reason, having someone else is very important for your child's healthy development.
• Comforters - comforters such as dummies, blankets or special toys can help children to cope with stresses in the early years. They need them most at times of stress or separations from parents, such as bedtime or when they go to childcare. Usually they are ready to give them up by the time they are three or four, but not always. (If your child needs a comforter a lot of the time when he is at school there may be something else going on in his life that is worrying him.)
• Self esteem - children learn self esteem from birth, even before they know who they are. They learn it because someone is there for them and comes when they cry, comforts them when they are lonely and responds to their little noises. When a baby makes little noises and a parent copies and makes the noises back, it says to the baby that she has been heard and noticed. All this helps to develop her self esteem. In childhood and adolescence children need to know that they are loved because of the special people they are. They need to be told this often and to be shown by:
  • spending time with them
  • supporting their interests
  • hugs and affection.

They need to feel they have a place in the family - that they are missed if they are away and they have a part in what needs to be done eg family chores.

• Self control - children need to develop a sense of being able to manage things for themselves as they grow up. They can start learning this from babyhood. There are lots of ways that you can teach them this kind of confidence.
• Attend to the needs of your baby and respond to the baby's cries and little noises.
• Smile and clap when your baby does something for himself.
• Allow your one year old to try lots of new things and to say "no" (within reasonable limits).
• Show delight in what your child is learning.
• Help him to learn to do things for himself instead of always having the answers.
• Give your child choices. Be prepared to then let him have his choice.
• Ask your child's opinion about things that are to do with him (you do not always have to do what he says, but help him to feel that he has some say).
• Start to teach him to solve his own problems. For example, if two children are quarrelling you can get them to listen to each other's feelings. Then ask them to think about what they could do to try and fix the problem. They might need a lot of help at first but it is worth the effort in the long run.
• Give approval and encouragement for trying new things and for getting something right, even if the child doesn't get it all right at first. For example, if your daughter is learning to put her shoes on and she gets them on the wrong feet, you can tell her that you are pleased that she has got them on. Then you can help her with the next step of getting it right.
• Give children lots of time to do what they are good at. It is tempting to keep them practising what they aren't so good at, and maybe this is necessary, but they also need time to succeed.
• Give them opportunities to learn a craft and new skills.
• As they get older give them responsibility for doing things for themselves, eg work out how to spend pocket money, get a meal, shop for themselves (within reason).
• protect children from adult problems - if you are having troubles with your child's other parent make an effort to keep your child out of what is adults' business. Help your child to see it is not her fault (children often believe it is). She also needs to know that whatever happens somebody will be there for her. You might want to find another caring adult such as a grandparent to support her while you are feeling very stressed.
• find outside support - children often do better when life gets difficult if they have some support people apart from parents. This person or people could be a grandparent, relative, family friend or teacher. As they get older their own close friends can provide some of this support.
• family rituals - the little special things that you do every day and on special occasions help build a sense of inner security. When families are in trouble sometimes these rituals get forgotten. Special rituals are about how you celebrate birthdays, name days, Christmas and other special days. These can include the day your child was adopted, or started school or started her periods, or your family became a step family etc. Daily rituals can be, for example:
  • how you tuck your child into bed and kiss goodnight
  • how you say good bye in the morning
  • something special that you do when your child gets home from school
  • what you do at mealtime.
  • belonging to a church - this can provide support, friendship, meaning to life and rituals.

  Children need your support and care but it won't mean anything unless it is sincere.

IMPORTANT NOTE

Sometimes things go wrong between parents and children in the early stages. Parents may find that their baby is very difficult or not likable. It is important to try to get things right at the start. You may need to get some support from a professional who has special skills in this area. The effort put in now will pay off in the long run.

REMINDERS

• Children need to feel loved and lovable just for themselves, not only when they do things well.
• Children need to feel they have some control in their lives.
• Children need to feel that they can be successful at something.
• Children need a sense of belonging.
• Children are helped by having people apart from their parents who care about them and support them.
• Grandparents can be a special support for children and teenagers.