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Bullying is not just a problem for the victim, it is also a problem for the people who know it is happening eg the school. A very competitive school environment can contribute to bullying. Schools have a responsibility to make children feel safe.

Bullying should not happen to children. If bullying is allowed to continue it can have a very bad effect on the child who is being bullied. If children are allowed to go on bullying they are more likely to grow up to bully or hit their partners and their own children. Being bullied is very distressing for the victim and needs to be dealt with.

Note: bullying is often called harassing or harassment.

CHILDREN WHO ARE BULLIED

Children who bully sometimes pick on just anyone, and sometimes choose other children who seem to be easy to hurt: They may pick on children who:

• look or are different in some way
• are stressed, either at home or at school
• have a disability
• struggle with schoolwork
• are not good at sport
• lack social confidence
• are anxious
• are unable to hold their own because of being smaller or weaker or younger.

Sometimes even popular children are bullied (harassed) perhaps because they have rejected the bully (or the bully feels rejected). The bully may feel intimidated by the "smarter" kids.

Occasionally children provoke other children to bully them, by teasing first.

SIGNS OF BEING BULLIED

Children who are being bullied may not always tell adults. They may be afraid or ashamed. Some signs of being bullied may be:

• not wanting to go to school
• finding excuses for not going to school, eg feeling sick
• wanting to go to school a different way to avoid the children who are bullying them
• being very tense, tearful and unhappy after school
• talking about hating school
• bruises or scratches
• talking about not having any friends
• refusing to tell you about what happens at school.

Your child may show other signs of unhappiness as well eg problems with sleeping. These signs may not necessarily mean being bullied but you need to check out what is worrying your child.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Listen to your child and take her feelings and fears seriously.
• Try not to take everything into your own hands, unless it is absolutely necessary, because this is likely to make your child feel less in control.
• Help your child to work out what ideas she has about coping with the problem. Write them down. Include a few of your own if needed to get started. Then talk with her about which ones might help or not help and why. Choose an idea that she would like to try and then check out how it works.
• Don't call your child names eg "weak" or "a sook" and don't let anyone else do so.
• If the bullying is verbal teasing you may be able to help your child to learn to ignore it, so the child who is doing it does not get any satisfaction out of it. You could practise at home ways to help your child gain confidence eg the way to walk past with her head up.
• Help your child think of ways to avoid the situation eg by going a different way home, or staying with a group.
• Some children are helped by imagining a special wall around them which protects them so that the hard words bounce off.
• Work on building your child's confidence in things she does well.

NB - Be very careful that your child does not feel that being bullied is her fault.

TALKING TO THE SCHOOL

When bullying happens it is often at school and you will need to talk to the school about it. Schools in South Australia have policies which deal with bullying.

• Make a list of the things that have happened to your child. Be clear and be firm about his suffering. Be prepared to name the children who bully. If bullying persists, write down WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHEN.
• Talk to the school principal about the school's way of dealing with bullying and what steps they take to prevent it and protect children from it.
• Talk to the teacher about what can be done to help your child. Keep in contact until the problem is sorted out.
• If you find it difficult to go to the school and ask about this, it might help to take a friend with you.

Special note
It is important to get professional support if:

• this is an ongoing problem rather than an occasional one for your child
• it happens to your child a lot, in different situations and with different children.

BEING HARASSED/BULLIED ON THE PHONE OR BY EMAIL

• This type of harassment is becoming wide spread.
• Children might be sent frightening SMS or e-mails.
• While the sender might be known, these messages can be sent anonymously which is very scary to children and their families.
• Be careful who knows phone numbers and e-mail addresses.
• If this is happening at school, notify the school principal or IT manager.
• Contact your phone and e-mail providers to see what can be done to prevent calls.
• Changing phone numbers and e-mail addresses may help.

REMINDERS

• Let your child know that bullying is wrong.
• Take your child's fears and feelings seriously.
• Reassure your child that being bullied is not his fault, and that something can be done about it.
• Let your child know that he is not the only one who is bullied. It happens to lots of children.
• Help your child as far as possible to work out his own ways of dealing with the problem.
• Don't allow the bullying to continue.
• Protect your child - involve the school or club or wherever it is happening.
• Help your child to feel good about the other things in his life.