|
Sponsors:
|
|
Children are aggressive towards parents for many
reasons.
- They have grown up in a household where hitting
people or things is used by adults to show anger and so they see this as normal behaviour.
- They do not know of any other way to solve
problems or get what they want (lashing out at someone or
something is all they know).
- They have not learnt how to manage their
feelings, especially angry ones.
- They have not learnt to control their impulses
and so just act out without using self discipline.
- They have not learnt to value or respect other
people or their property.
- They see the parent as weak and powerless (it is
often the mother), or they think that this is how women
can be treated.
- They may be going through a really difficult time
and cannot cope with the stresses in their own life.
None of these reasons excuse aggro behaviour, but
it can help parents understand why adolescents do it.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
Most parents whose children attack them in this way can feel
very scared, very powerless and then guilty. They feel they have
lost control in the home.
- Make some tough decisions, even though your confidence
feels shattered.
- You need to take some control in your home. You may not
be able to change your adolescent's behaviour, but you
can take a stand for what you are prepared to put up with
in your home. This is important especially if there are
younger children who may feel frightened and need to feel
safe.
- Think what the fights are most often about. Work out
what things you are not
prepared to move your position on, what ones you are
prepared to give way on and what you can leave for your
adolescent.
- Think about what happens as a fight brews. What are the
warning signs? When these signs are present, make sure
you separate from each other (you may have to leave the
house). Only talk about concerns when you are both calm.
- Look at it from your adolescent's point of view, no
matter how unreasonable it seems. Think about how your
own behaviour might be aggravating the situation from his
position, even though you don't think it could be.
- If the behaviour is out of character and fairly recent,
think about what else may have happened or changed
lately. For example, has anyone new had contact with your
adolescent lately or have there been changes in the
family or with his friends?
- Notice what your adolescent does well and tell him.
Adolescents especially do not need reminders of their
failures. Spend some time supporting what they like doing
if they will let you (eg watching them play sport or
listening to their music).
- Think about your favourite image of your adolescent. Do
you still think of him as he was when he was little? You
may need to come to grips with the fact that he is no
longer a child.
- If your other children are being harmed in any way by your
adolescent, you must do something to protect them.
- Decide what is your "bottom line". You need to
be very clear and carry out what you have said will
happen when he has overstepped the line. This may mean
your adolescent leaves your home either by agreement or
by using the police and/or a restraining order. You may
find this very hard to do. Get support from someone who
understands.
- If nothing seems to be working for you, it is important
to get professional help.
REMINDERS
- Find out what works for other people.
- Look after your self esteem..... you may feel you have
lost it altogether or it needs repairing.
- Take some control.... for the sake of yourself, your
adolescent and your other children.
- You can love your child but you do not have to put up
with all his behaviour.
- Decide on your bottom line, mean it and carry it out.
- Deal with this problem.......it won't go away.
|
|
